


Trustfundstuck

by ElasticPoodle, JDs Graveyard (joaniedark), joaniedark



Series: Trustfundstuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-11-20
Updated: 2012-11-18
Packaged: 2017-10-26 08:18:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/280804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElasticPoodle/pseuds/ElasticPoodle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/joaniedark/pseuds/JDs%20Graveyard, https://archiveofourown.org/users/joaniedark/pseuds/joaniedark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harvard University. A haven for the spoiled rich and the hard-working genius alike.<br/>However, those two are not necessarily a good combination when put together, as can be seen when one Eridan Ampora and one Sollux Captor find themselves rooming with one another.<br/>Add in their other eccentric trustfund baby roommates, and an interesting year is sure to commence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Prince Arrives

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! So this first little chapter is written by me, Joanie Dark, and as soon as Sol's intro chapter is finished by ElasticPoodle it'll be put up as well. After that, most if not all chapters will be collaborative.  
> As various characters show up in the story they'll be added to the list, as well as relationships; I'm also not sure, but the rating of the fic miiiight go up at some point, though it's more likely we'd just make side stories for anything higher rated.  
> Anyway, enjoy the show!

Eridan Ampora sniffed indignantly as he arrived outside of the dormitories, leaning against the Rolls Royce that had brought him to this wretched place. God, what was he doing here, of all places. He simply didn't _belong_ in this place; it was so...common. He didn't deign to look at his father as he came out of the car and walked to Eridan's side.

"What I don't understand, Dad, is why the fuck am I stuck in these glubbin' halls rather than in an apartment?" he asked, upper lip wrinkling in disgust as he saw some young men in _Hollister_ walking buy. Seriously. What did they think they were wearing? Young academics at one of the most prestigious schools in New England, and all they could do is dress for a day at the beach? Madening. What had the world come to.

"I know you have distaste for the common masses," his father said slowly, surveying a small group of giggling co-eds with a small grin, "and that is why I felt that perhaps you should stay here for a bit. You can learn to understand their ways. Something of a science experiement, if you will."

"I still see no reason to have to deal with this filthy government-funded garbage possibly sharing a room with me. Why, I can practically smell the fuckin' Sallie Mae loans on the lot of them..."

"Eridan Orphaner Ampora, quit your whining," his father snapped, and Eridan's mouth shut. The icy glare combined with the two raised scars on the man's face made him look all the more menacing, and Eridan found himself fiddling nervously with his designer sleeves. "It ain't manly of you. If you're to be the heir of my name, you best learn to handle what life throws at you."

"Yes sir."

"You aren't going to be some pampered pet at home forever."

"Yes sir."

"If you can manage the challenge of living with your peers, you can certainly run an empire where you employ them." His father smiled again, ruffling Eridan's hair much to the boy's chagrin; it had taken him the better part of an hour to perfectly sculpt the purple and black locks. He chuckled when he pulled his hand away to see the boy's distraught expression.

The driver of the car then presented Eridan with the two overly large Louis Vuitton suitcases, and the boy arched an eyebrow over thick-rimmed glasses.

"Am I to assume that I'm not getting assistance with my bags?"

"Sorry, son," his father said, flipping a hand dismissively, "I'm afraid I have a meeting I have to run over to, and simply cannot offer the valet for any longer to assist you." He patted the boy on the back before opening the door to the still-running car. "Have a good year at school, make yourself worthy of the Ampora family name and whatnot. Call the estate and I'll be sure to get back to you."

And with that, the car was crawling off, blowing a metaphorical cloud of dust onto the mildly-dishevelled, confused-looking young man.

This figured. Here he was, practically a Vanderbilt, and yet abandoned pitifully by a man who obviously didn't give a shit among the lowerclasses with narry a servant to carry his bags for him.

Being a rich kid and growing up.

It's hard and nobody understands.


	2. Two hours sleep, two wheeled device.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sollux arrives at Harvard and dramatic cliffhangers fall over first meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poodle here, Just casually posting Sollux's introduction before passing out.

The rhythmic clunking of the train travelling over the rails was all but completely drowned out by the clattering of a loose panel somewhere over the head of Sollux Captor. He hadn’t been lucky enough to get a table seat, so he was resting his laptop on the fold-down “Table” attached to the chair in front of him. He’d started the journey with precisely 3 hours of battery. It was a four hour train ride, and he was in the process of saving all his work before the thing died on him.

There was nothing to do but listen to music, look out the window, and try not to knock shoulders with the distinctly creepy older man who was sat next to him and kept staring at him when he thought Sollux wasn’t looking.

Boring... boring... boooooooring...

“Hey kid... Kid...”

Sollux started awake, finding himself slumped against the window, drool running down his chin in a way that certainly wasn’t as cool as he’d like to make himself out to be. The guy he was sat next to was shaking his shoulder, trying to get his attention.

“Guh? The fuck do you want?”

“Isn’t this your stop?”

It registered that the train had stopped, and Sollux looked out of the window, at the name of the station that was written on a sign not too far away.

“...Oh THHIT.”

He jumped too his feet and grabbed his backpack from the overhead rack, tucking his computer under one arm and bolting for the exit, only pausing to scoop his compact bike from the large luggage rack next to the door. His fist pounded the door release and he jumped for the platform.

The whistle blew, the door locked behind him, and the train started to pull away.

Sollux leaned on his knees and just stood there for a few seconds, still not completely awake. That... had been too close.

He hadn’t even thanked the guy for waking him up... oh well.

Shoving his backpack on, he picked up his bike (Which was neatly folded up into the shape of a suitcase) and headed to the exit. From his pocket he unfolded the set of directions he’d printed out and started mapping out the journey in his head.

Boston North Street to Harvard was a three hour bike ride, but he couldn’t really afford to take a taxi. He was on a tight budget as it was, anything he could save he would have too.

Hell, if he hadn’t attained a scholarship he wouldn’t even be GOING to Harvard.

It’s hard, trying to live in the world of the rich when you don’t have any money.

It’s hard, and nobody understands.

\-----

It’s dark before he even reaches the dorms, the golden glow from the different windows being warm and inviting. He folded up his bike and pulled his keycard from his pocket; looking for the right dorm, having it memorized already.

He was so tired, he hoped his roommate was already asleep so that he can just pass out and leave the awkward introductions for the morning-

“Well, well, well. What have we here?”

Fuck.


	3. Ampora, Meet Captor

Eridan's fingers tapped against his arm as he sized up the other man in front of him. How exactly he had wound up with this pauper standing outside the door to his room was beyond his abilities to understand. Perhaps it was some practical joke made by his father; he wouldn't put it past the man to slip a few bills to whomever assigned the rooms to play him such a cruel hand of fate.

The other male looked at him, one eyebrow raised and a somewhat bleary expresion on his face, he was obviously only half awake and this only served to piss Eridan off even more. How DARE he arrive to their first meeting in this sort of state!? Did he have _no idea_ who he was going to be rooming with? How insanely LUCKY he was!? Putting aside the initial impression, Eridan stuck a hand out to him. May as well _attempt_ to get along with the heathen, should they be sharing a dormatory.

"Ampora," he said, the corner of his mouth twitching up plesantly as he saw the slight recognition of the name on the other man's face. "Eridan Ampora. I assume you're going to be my dormmate?"

"Lookth like it." The other man responds, with a strong lisp that he didn't seem able to control. He begrudgingly accepts the handshake, licking his lips with what appeared to be a split toung _How... common of him. Assuming he'd had it done on purpose._ "Captor. Sollux Captor."

"Captor...ha, my apologies, but I'm afraid I don't place the name?" Eridan raised a well-groomed eyebrow as he shook the Sollux's hand firmly--his grip was surprisingly good for the spindly creature, he noticed--and he ran his eyes briskly over him. He wasn't unattractive, he had to admit; if he had to live with someone, much less a tired-eyed delinquent such as Captor seemed to be, he may as well be easy on the eyes. With a shower and a new wardrobe, he could likely be tolerable company.

He runs his free hand through his mustard coloured hair. "That'th becauthe you've never heard it before, dipthhit. It'th a mathname. My dad'th made it when they tied the knot becauth they thought it wath cute, now I'm thtuck with it."

"...Right," Eridan mumbled, a mildly pained smile spreading over his face. So much for the chance that perhaps his roommate may have been someone more important than he let on. A prank by father indeed, if not Seahorse. That damned valet bastard, he was sneaky enough to have figured out a way to do something like that.

Sollux's brow scrunched as regarded the overdressed fop. "Tho...are we going to go in or are we thtanding here all day?" he asked, fiddling with his card key.

"Ah, yes. That would be prudent, I suppose," Eridan said, pulling out his key and swiping it in the lock before the other boy could. He could tell that the man was glowering at him through those cheesy 3D glasses of his. Hah.

He stepped into the room, barely able to keep himself from recoiling at the relative emptiness of it. The living room was spartan, nothing but a sofa on one side, a pair of minifridges holding up an oversized television on the other. This place was in dire need of some sort of decoration; it looked even more like a prison than he was expecting.

With a sigh, he walked over to one of the bedroom doors. He turned the knob--nothing. Odd. A turn, a shake, a kick...

"Yo, motherfucker, I'd love to chat but a brother needs his beauty rest," groaned a sleepy-sounding voice from within the room.

"What the fuck? Are we in the wrong room?" Eridan asked, recoiling from the door. Sollux snorted in amusement.

"Thith ith a four-perthon room, idiot," he said, pushing open the door to the other room. Eridan peered back, looking on in horror as he saw Sollux throw his little bag onto one of the _two_ beds.

Hell. No.

"This must be some sort of mistake. Obviously I was meant to be put into a single room?"

"It'th a random draw." Sollux looked at him skeptically. "Did you jutht ignore all the fucking 'Welcome to Univerthity' thit they thent uth?"

Eridan pursed his lips, pulling his suitcases behind him into the small room. "I skimmed it. Wwhat's it to you?"

Sollux paused, then grinned. "What wath that?"

"Wwhat? Oh...shit..." Eridan clapped a hand over his mouth as Sollux started to snicker. "Oh, shut your mouth."

"It thuitth you," Sollux said, falling back onto the bed he claimed as Eridan started to unzip his suitcases, frowning.

This was going to be a long term.


	4. >Eridan: Discover how much you hate your roommates.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eridan is exposed in his boxers and faygo does not a good egg make.

Things didn't get better the next morning. Captor woke him up at 6 am when he got up, flicking the lights on with NO regard to the other person in the room, _who was trying to sleep, dammit._

Thankfully he was out of the room pretty quickly, and Eridan was able to roll over and go back to sleep-

 **_HONK._ **

Eridan jumped about a foot off his bed, sitting bolt upright and clamping a hand over his own mouth to keep from SCREAMING in shock. He fumbles for his glasses and pushes them onto his nose, eyes making their way to the bedside clock.

7am.

Well, there was no point in trying to go back to sleep _now,_ was there.

As soon as he looked at the intruder with his glasses on, he was contemplating taking them off again. The curly-haired man peering over the edge of his bed, horn in hand and eyes glazed over to match his _distinctive_ aroma, was not at all what he wanted to see this early in the morning.

"What the everlovin' fuck are you doing in my room," Eridan asked, violet eyes wide, and the man laughed.

"Damn, brother, I'm just givin' the motherfucking welcome I shoulda given you earlier!" He bounced up on Eridan's bed, making him scrunch his legs protectively to his chest. "When I woke up, you two were sleepin' like a motherfuckin' miracle." He looked dreamy at that; Eridan just looked more frightened.

"OUT." He pulls the sheets up to his chest in an attempt to cover up. he was still wearing boxers, of course, but that was beside the point-

"Aww, brother. You don't gotta be all up and motherfucking shy or nothing." And with that, the other man grabbed the bed sheets and ripped them off the bed, casually tossing them aside and leaving the other completely exposed.

"Oh my cod-"

"Come on, own up to the bounty Mother Nature gave you, brother. The human form is a motherfuckin' miracle."

"Get out of my room."

"Aww, I haven't even introduced myself."

"Out."

"I'm Gamzee. What's your name, nude-bro?"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!"

"What on earth is all the commotion?"

Eridan's head jerked to face the door, staring at the overly-muscular, sunglass-wearing individual peering into the room. Was no one willing to give him some damn dignity?

"Oh, hey, Eq!" Gamzee said, lopsided grin growing bigger. "I was just saying hello to the new guy."

"I'm sure that he'd appreciate a little privacy," the man said, his voice low in both tone and volume, as he glanced at Eridan's less-than-dressed state. "Perhaps you would be willing to let the man dress properly?"

"Sure thing, bro," the gangly man said, hopping off the bed and wriggling past the muscular figure, who was looking apologetically at Eridan.

"He meant no offense, sir. Please, enjoy your privacy; we have breakfast waiting for you." He shut the door with what seemed like gentle force, but was accompanied by a loud slam.

Bizarre.

It's half an hour before Eridan is happy enough with his state of dress to venture fourth from his room. He opens the door and peaks around, wanting to observe what his.... ugh, _room mates_ were doing before plunging in head first.

Captor appeared to be doing something on a laptop, which he had set up on the only table in the dorm. Next to him was a plate of bacon, eggs, and other fried foods which he was picking at but didn't seem too interested in. The crazy stoner who had all but assaulted him half an hour before was sat opposite, happily munching on his own plate of food, whist simultaneously applying some sort of insane clown face paint using a handheld mirror. He was using the same hand to apply the paint as he was to eat, and Eridan found himself wondering how much paint he was ingesting... and whether it was Toxic or not.

The last male in the room was stood at the kitchen counter, leaning back against it and drinking a glass of milk.

Eridan mutters a quick "Morning" as he steps into the room properly and receives a grunt of acknowledgement from Captor.

He sat down and started to pick cautiously at a lonely plate of the fry-up. It looked surprisingly decent, considering the lack of professional training in any of the individuals in the room. Slowly, he raised a bite of egg to his mouth.

It had a distinct taste like grape soda.

He grimaced, putting his fork down slowly. The muscular man came over, brow furrowed.

"Is there a problem with your breakfast, sir?" he asked, his voice mildly concerned.

"I'm relatively sure eggs are not meant to be so...saccharine."

"That'd be the miracle of motherfuckin' Faygo," Gamzee said, accidently drawing a streak of grey across his chin. The muscular man frowned.

"I apologize on the behalf of Mr. Makara," he said. "As much as I respect his desire to cook, I should not have let him be the one to prepare your food, sir."

"Mmm." Eridan eyed the clown-faced wonder. "No matter. I planned on locatin' the nearest Starbucks anyway."

"Would you like me to find maps for you, sir?"

"Now why in fuck's name do you keep calling me sir?" Eridan asked. Not that he minded being treated with the proper respect, but he didn't even know who the large fellow was.

"You're...you're the heir of the Ampora Corporation, are you not?" the man asked, a sheen of sweat appearing on his skin. Eridan grimaced.

"Yes...and you are?"

"Ah, just the child of one of your father's associates, sir," he said, his voice tinged slightly with both deference and spite.

"What's your name?"

"Equius Zahhak, sir."

Eridan's eyes went wide. Oh thank the god that didn't exist, this was magic. Somehow he had managed to end up with someone tolerable.

"Darkleer Industrial, am I correct?"

They're interrupted from their... well, it could almost be described as a bonding moment... when Captor slams his computer shut and glares up at them. "Excuthe me, but there are more important thingth two determine rank by then who hath the richer daddy."

"And wwhat wwould YOU know about it!?" Eridan practically spits at the peasant boy. He did not like being interrupted, and there was just something about Captor that really pissed him off-

"I knoWW quite a lot, ath it happenth. OtherWWithe I WWouldn't be here."

Oh. Hell. No.

As if sensing the impending argument, the clown jumps to his feet and gets between the two, holding out his hands. "Now why don't we all just motherfucking calm down, and talk about this like brothers?"

"YeTH, that wwould be an EKTHELENT idea," Eridan sneered, glaring at the blonde. The air was thick enough to cut with a butter knife.

Still, the clown tried to ease the situation. "Calm down guys, you're motherfuckin' roomies. You can't go already breaking up the miracles of friendship. So let's just chill and--"

"If this wwre--ahem, _wretch_ , would simply learn what lines he shouldn't cross..."

"I haVVe no clue WWhat you're getting at," Sollux quipped.

"You..."

The poor boy trying to mediate this situation seems to be becoming increasingly desperate, and his arms flail as he tries to change the topic of conversation. "So... so, so, motherfucing /so/! When do classes start for you brothers?"

Glare, glare, glare. "My firtht class ithn't untill next week, I athhume you guyth are the thame, tho we have time two thettle in."

Eridan nods curtly. "My first class is on Tuesday."

"Sweet, brother! I start Wednesday myself, though... I'm not really sure what I'm all up and going to be doing." A goofy grin. "Dad sort of chose my major for me and shit..."

Sollux snorts and rolls his eyes. "Dude, you are never going two pathh if you didn't even look at what you'd be thtuddying before hand."

"I don't know. Perhaps his father knows what's best for him." Eridan highly doubted it, but who knew. Certainly anyone else's decision was likely to be better than whatever this _charming_ young man could come up with. He looked the type likely to major in underwater basket weaving.

"Well, unlike thome people I chothe my own major. And both my minorth. And I actually plan on doing WELL with them." Captor flips open his computer again and goies back to what he had been doing. He has a coding program open, as well as Pesterchum (But they don't pay attention to his chumhandle, not really.)

"Woa, wait... what?" There is a visible look of shock on the clowns face, which can'[t be hidden by the ridiculous face paint. "You're taking TWO minors?"

"Yea. Tho?"

"Duuuuude..."

"Dude, indeed. How is it even possible for you to _have_ two minors?" Eridan asked, pushing food around on his plate. "Not that I see the purpose in spreading yourself so _thin_ with minors anyway. I'd far rather follow my main course of study." He sniffed judgementally.

"Becauth I'm jutht that much smarter than you."

"Listen up, you lowbred prick, you have no right to go--"

"Calm down, bro," the clown said, clapping a hand on each of their shoulders, and Equius sighed. Eridan shuffled back into his seat with a glare.

"Zahhak, you're likely a reasonable man. Would you do such a thing?"

"Well..." Equius said quietly, "while I'm naturally going into engineering, I was contemplating some physical variety of minor..."

"Right, naturally," Eridan said, face scrunching. Lovely, he was following in the footsteps to obviously become the heir of his [lesser] family, and Eridan was...studying physics. No wonder his father seemed so uninterested in his choice of study.

"Brother, how do you even AFFORD two minors?" Gamzee seems to be in awe. Miracles all up in this shit.

"Well, one of them and my major are covered by my thcolarthip..."

"So you're, like, some sort of genius?"

"Yea, bathically."

"Motherfuck..."

"At least that explains why you're here." Eridan pushed away from the table, standing up. "And with that, I think I'll be taking my leave." He walked back to his bedroom to fetch his european messenger bag _("It is_ not _a purse, father, what gave you that idea?")_ and found the door slammed shut behind him.

"What the fuck wath that all about," Sollux snarled, and Eridan looked up blandly.

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Going and inthulting me in front of them. Way to make a fucking firtht impression." He stabbed at Eridan's chest with his finger, and the other man brushed it off.

"You were giving as hard as you were getting."

"Look. You don't know me. You don't know my thit. You know those guys even leth. But if the four of uth are living together...fuck, if we're tharing this damn room...you need to learn to chill out."

"Who are you to tell me that?"

"Oh and another thing--don't fucking call me lowbred. Don't you ever talk about my family."

"What's the matter, worried that _you don't belong here_?"

"Fuck off."

"You clearly aren't from a worthy background-"

"I could be from _any_ background, athhole. You don't know, I don't know. That'th not what ith important. I worked _hard_ two get here, and I'm not going to put up with pampered panthieth like you looking down on me jutht becauthe my dad'th aren't rich." He stabs Eridan with his finger again, and the other boy is sure he's going to leave a bruise. "Underthtand?"

"Wwhatevver."

He picks up his back and flounces out; out of the room, out of the dorm, out of the building.

He hates his life right now; hates this college for not being up to his very high standards, hates his father for sending him here in the first place, but most of all, he hates Sollux Captor.


	5. First Day

Eridan tapped his pen on his desk impatiently as the professor in his first course droned on and on. For cod's sake. The man was speaking to them like they were three years old, oversimplifying abso-fuckin-lutely everything as he explained what office hours were and how to turn in an essay.

What the fuck. Who couldn't figure out how to submit an essay over the internet.

"Mis-ter whoever you are," Eridan announced suddenly, making it obvious introductions were something he had ignored, "seeing as I'm obviously less of an idiot than the rest of this class, can I leave for the day? There's a venti caramel mocha with my name on it."

"Ampira, that's not acceptable behavior," the professor droned in a monotone. Eridan wrinkled his nose.

"Ampora, as in the Ampora family?" he said indignantly. "Obviously you recognize the name?"

"No, Ampera. Now please sit down, be quiet, and take notes. As I was saying..."

\-----

"Excuthe me, Thir?"

The professor blinked and paused mid-introduction to look at the young man sat front and center in the lecture hall, one hand neatly raised to get his attention. He glanced down at his Student ID card to get his name, quickly.

"Yes, Mr. Captor?"

"How much work can we be expecting two receive over the next thimethter? I'm wanting two put together a thtuddy timetable tho I don't mith out on anything."

"Well, you are certainly eager, aren't you? I won't be assigning any homework for the first week, so you all have some time to settle in. After that your workload will vary depending on what stage of the course we have reached. Now, as I was saying-" He prepared to pick up where he had left off, when the student's hand shot into the air once again.

"Thir, how exactly are we going two be graded?"

"...It will be mostly coursework, however there will be a few theory examinations toward the end of the year." He again, turns his attention back to his opening lecture-

"Thir?"

"...Yes, Mr. Captor?"

"I wath jutht wondering if we were going two be working with computerth any time thoon-"

"...Mr. Captor..."

"-Thince I can imagine it will be a rather vital part of the courth and-"

"MR CAPTOR."

"-...Yeth?"

"I am trying to begin my class. It is a class which you are in attendance of, therefore it is in your best interest to let me TEACH it. So are you _quite_ finished?"

"...yeth thir. Thorry thir..."

\-----

"This classroom was just refurbished, Mr. Zahhak."

"Y-yes, I'm aware...I'll arrange to pay to replace the desk immediately. My deepest apologies, ma'am."

"Good, now to get on with the--"

"Are you sure you wish to take no further...disciplinary action, Professor?"

"I think it is unnecessary to--"

"But I implore you...such crassness on my part as to cause such needless damage...I require some variety of punishment..."

"Please stop talking, Mr. Zahhak, before I contemplate _legal_ action."

"Yes m-ma'am..."

\-----

"Whoa, brother. How the motherfuck are you doing that?"

"It's a laser pointer, Mr. Makara. And please do not use that kind of language in my class."

"Oh, sorry my brother. I'll all up and keep the motherfucking profanities down for you and your miracle stick."

"...Quite."

"Hey, Teach!"

"...Yes, Mr. Makara?"

"You know your tie?"

"...What about it?"

"It should have, like, Spots on it."

"I believe it is perfectly serviceable, so if we could just-"

"Man, you do have some big motherfucking glasses, don't you?"

"Mr. Makara, I am starting to loose my patience. Please allow me to continue the lesson."

"Sure thing, brother."

"Now, You are all here to learn the various ins and outs of running a successful business-"

"Oh shit, brother, I just noticed how motherfucking short you are-"

"Get out."

"Huh?"

"I said GET. OUT."

\----

Needless to say, it had been a less than wonderful first few classes for the boys. Somehow, after they managed to go through their sorry, humiliating displays of varying severity, they found themselves lining up together in the cafeteria for overcooked, overpriced garbage that passed as student cuisine.

"If I were back home, I wouldn't have to deal with this shit. I could have just gotten Seahorse to go out and pick up a decent steak, maybe a bottle of wine..."

"That's a motherfuckin' fancy lunch right there, brother," Gamzee said, grinning. Sollux would have commented on rich people and their idiotic needs in the way of food, but he was too busy peering into what he was relatively certain was a highly inedible mass of...god knows what under the sign labeled "mashed potatoes."

"Hey, if you don't mind moving your ass, there are fucking people behind you I need to feed. Look, you're moving like a retarded inbred sloth climbing its way up Mount Everest, as in slower than a fucking glacier. Move it, four eyes."

"I'm not moving until I'm prethented with thomething fucking edible. I'm not picky, but that lookth like it'th been vomited in or thomething." He folds his arms and turns his gaze upwards to lock with that of the boy on the other side of the counter, who couldn't have been any younger then him.

"Hey, shit for brains, I made that myself, and they're the most fucking godly ambrosia of potatoes you'll ever dream to eat here," the boy said, sleep-deprived eyes narrowing into angry little slits as he snarled across the counter. "They're heavenly enough they'll cure that mush mouth and have you spouting high speed limericks about men living in Nantucket and missing cum-filled buckets. So get some or fucking move down the line."

"If they're tho heavenly, you eat thome." Challenge, on the table.

The boy just stared, eyeing Sollux warily. Then, with a deft swoop, he scooped up a lump of the potatoes in a little plastic spork and shoved it in his mouth. Challenge accepted.

Sollux gave an amused smirk as he watched the other boy's face slowly contort in response to the potato induced taste bud attack, then ducked to avoid the following spray of goopy yellow substance as it was wildly spit out. He believed he had won this round.

Needless to say, the group was properly disgusted, with the exception of Gamzee who muttered something about Animal House while smiling off into space. Frowning at the two obviously inferior beings having an argument over what was surely freeze-dried food mass-produced for the gurgling masses, Eridan huffed off. He was promptly followed by Equius, who was dragging a confused clown after him.

“If the bastard wants to argue with the staff, he can have the common decency to do it away from _me_ ,” Eridan said, his nose wrinkling as he checked to see if any of that disgusting substance had made it onto his vest. Happily, it hadn’t.

“Man, brother, I swear I’ve seen that angry little motherfucker before,” Gamzee said, laying his head on the cafeteria table.  
Back at the food line, Sollux peaked up from behind the counter and leans over it, looking at the shorter boy on the other side with a smug grin. _"I win."_

And with that he walked away, deciding that he wasn’t hungry and could probably spend this time reading up in the library or something.

Equius watched the other young man leave the cafeteria with mild disappointment. Between Makara’s questionable state of sentience and Ampora’s mildly distasteful attitude, it would have been nice to discuss their advanced mathematics class with his roommate.

Nevertheless, the three somehow managed to have something in the vague resemblance of a pleasant lunch together.

\----

It was much later when Sollux got back to the dorm and slouched back in a chair in the corner, with his laptop flipped open on his lap. He quickly connected to pesterchum to see if anyone was still online right now.

There were a couple names up on the screen--caligulasAquarium, ectoBiologist, grimAuxiliatrix. No one he particularly had any interest in talking to at the moment.

Suddenly, the little grey name popped up on the list. carcinoGenecist. _Great._ That guy was always good for a laugh. If he weren’t so constantly aggravated (and they had ever met in real life) he would have considered him his best friend.

With a smile, he typed a message.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 21:08 -- 

TA: hey CG what2 goiing on?  
CG: I JUST HAD THE WORST FUCKING DAY IN THE HISTORY OF BAD DAYS IS WHAT IS GOING ON.  
CG: IT'S LIKE THE DAY GOT UP AND DECIDED TO SLAP ME AROUND THE FACE WITH A MUTATED ROTTEN FISH, THEN SHOVED IT DOWN MY PANTS AND TOLD ME TO WADDLE.  
TA: oh come on iit could not have been two bad  
TA: 2piil whatever made thii2 day 2o much wor2e than every other day you complain about.  
CG: I TOLD YOU HOW I MANAGED TO GET A JOB, RIGHT? WELL TODAY WAS MY FIRST DAY AND ALREADY I CANT FUCKING STAND IT.  
CG: LETS BE A CHEF, I THOUGHT. IT'LL BE FUN, I THOUGHT.  
CG: STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.  
CG: SO I GET THERE AND NOT A FUCKING THING IS CLEAN. ITS LIKE THE OTHER ASSHOLES HAVEN'T BEEN TAUGHT WHAT A FUCKING DISHCLOATH IS. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO CLEAN EVERYTHING MYSELF BEFORE I HAVE TO START COOKING AND... DEAR GOD, THE INGREDIANTS.  
CG: I SWEAR THESE THINGS WERE PULLED FROM A DUMPSTER BY SOME TRAMP WHO HAD A FETISH FOR CHEEP SHIT. AND THEN HAD HIS DICK RUBBED IN IT.  
CG: ABSOLUTLY NOTHING WAS OF A DECENT WUALITY, AND EVERYTHING WAS EXPIRED.  
CG: AND I WAS EXPECTED TO LOOK THE BASTARDS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTER IN THE EYES AND TELL THEM THIS WAS GOOD FUCKING FOOD.  
TA: …  
TA: 2o  
TA: how were the ma2hed potatoe2?  
TA: ehehe  
CG: ...  
CG: WHAT?  
TA: don’t play coy with me  
TA: ii have to 2ay you’re shorter than ii would have thought  
TA: no wonder you are 20 fuckiing angry.  
CG: OH.  
CG: MY FUCKING.  
CG: GOD.  
CG: THAT WAS YOU? THAT WAS _FUCKING. YOU.!?_  
TA: liitle 2low on the uptake   
CG: I AM GOING TO END YOU.  
TA: you wi2h.  
TA: want two catch a moviie twomorrow?   
CG: YEA, SURE. THERE'S A NEW ONE OUT I'M WANTING TO SEE, ACTUALLY.

They both then proceeded to have one of the best conversations about shitty movies in the history of paradox space.


	6. This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

“What is the cafeteria boy doing here?”

"WOW raid. Cool your titth, Ampora."

It was about a week and a half since they had first seen “the cafeteria boy,” as Eridan always seemed to call him. He knew that his roommate had developed some bizarre friendship, most likely based on their sympathy towards one another’s _fantastic_ financial situations, but this was the first time…Kaykat? Karket? something like that…had shown up in their dorm.

“Right. And how long might this little raid of yours be taking?” Eridan asked, his lips in a small, tight frown. The two boys were sprawled on the entire sofa, and like /hell/ he was going to sit on the floor to watch television.

"Aaaaaaall night." Sollux smirks. Oh, he just _knows_ this is going to piss him off, especially since he's hooked up his Laptop with the TV so...

He presses enter, and the TV screen flickers to display the game. He's set Karkat up with a second, wireless keyboard and they're good to go, with popcorn and soda.

And, yes, this does mean Eridan will be missing his stupid British fashion show thing. That was rather the plan.

Eridan stared at the screen.

“Seriously, is that even a possibility,” he said blandly, too confused by the split screen to even express his annoyance at his prick of a roommate.

“I’m jutht that good,” Sollux said with a grin, sticking his tongue out.

Eridan rolled his eyes, going to the kitchen to grab a beer whilst muttering to himself, “stupid horde bastards.”

"Tho, ready when you are, KK." There was absolutely nothing that could distract them no-

"Heeeeeeey Brother, what are you all up and doing?"

"...Hello, Gamzee."

Eridan came back into the room baring three cans of (ironically) cheap beer, tossing one to Gamzee and dropping another down to Karkat.

“They’re just playing passé games that are over and done with…not to mention as overly-popular retarded hunks of muscle.” He popped the tab on his beer and leant over the back of the sofa to watch.

“Damn, man, those be some motherfuckin’ cool graphics for a videogame. They look so motherfucking real!”

“…You have to be shitting me, Gam,” Eridan said in disbelief.

All eyes lock on Gamzee for a minute and they all just stare at him.

"...What?"

"GZ, thethe are far from the betht graphicth on the market... I am theriouthly going two have two thcool you at thome point."

"Okay, what the fuck is he even on?"

“Ain’t nothing fucking special,” Gamzee said with a coy grin, throwing his head back and chugging approximately half of the can.

He could only imagine Equius would have been so flustered about the underage drinking. Heh.

Thank god he was off with that cute cat-lady friend of his.

The two stared for a while at the brutish figures murdering other brutish figures on the screen, drinking piss-poor beer in silence.

“Ok, this is gettin’ really fuckin’ dull, Sol,” Eridan said, stealing back Karkat’s unopened can.

"We're not forcing you two watch, dumbath." Is the retort, Sollux not taking his eyes from the screen for a second.

"If you don't like it then how about you take your cheap alcohol and shove it up the most painful orifice you can imagine, rather than hovering over us like especially retarded moth around the light of higher intelligence."

Sollux snorts and they high five, before immediately turning their attention back to the raid.

“Maybe if you bastards weren’t taking up the only fucking TV in the flat, I wouldn’t have to just stare and complain,” he said, carefully ignoring the less-than-pleasant guest’s insults.

“Flat? What are you Britith or thomething now?” Sollux said, spamming spells like mad. Eridan rolled his eyes, went to a chair in the corner of the room, and flopped down on it.

 _Crunch._

Sollux's thought process over the next few seconds went like this:

 _What was that noise == >_

Eridan just sat down on the corner chair ==>   


My headphones are on that chair ==>

Eridan just sat on my headphones ==>

 **Oh hell _no._**

When he spoke, his voice was deftly, terrifyingly calm. "Eridan, thtand up."

Eridan rose an eyebrow at the command. He certainly didn’t obey the other man’s order. No, he was just annoyed by the feeling of something sharp jutting against his rump.

Turning a bit to look down, he winced to see the broken headphones there. Damn, poor, innocent electronics. Of course, he supposed people shouldn’t leave their things lying around, but he couldn’t help but feel the headphones had done nothing to deserve their fate.

He picked them um, cradling the mass of wire and plastic in his hands.

“Are these either of you guys’?” he asked, and though Gamzee shook his head, Sollux looked like a seething, simmering pile of hatred.

He typed a quick ‘AFK’ and logged out of the game mid-raid, much to Karkat's irritation, and carefully set his laptop aside. Then he carefully stood up and carefully walked over to Eridan... Before snatching the headphones out of the others hands and inspecting the damage with his eyes and fingers, turning them over and over and over again. A cold stone had settled in the pit of his stomach, and he felt like he was going to be sick, or tear someone’s head off, or both.

"...Thethe were the betht on the market." He still sounded excruciatingly calm, which was probably more terrifying then if he had been screaming. "It took me four monthth two thave up for thethe."

“Shit, Sol, sorry,” Eridan said, looking at them in mild horror. Eridan may have been an asshole, but it was rare he actually _felt_ like one. “I can pay for a new pair. We’ll go to the mall when you finish slaying whatever-the-hell you were going after…”

His mouth opened and closed two times in absolute, mind-numbing rage. On the one hand: He would _love_ to see Eridan choke when he sees just how much high-quality headphones actually cost. And he would need a replacement for these...

He couldn't even call them headphones anymore, really.

But on the other hand, that would mean accepting charity from Eridan Ampora.

 _..._

He couldn't do it. His pride wouldn't let him.

He made a strangled sound, like someone trying desperately not to scream, and turned on his heel, walking into their bedroom and slamming the door.

The lock clicked.

"...Man, brother. He really liked those headphones, hu?"

"No fucking shit! Congratulations, you have won a new award for your exceptional observational skills!"

"Oh shit, really!?"

Eridan's brow furrowed. Damn. He must have really loved those things.

"My apologies for his leaving, Mr..."

"Oh, are you fucking talking to me? I'm Karkat, asshole. You've only talked to me every fucking day in the cafeteria."

"Sorry for that," Eridan said, noting that "Karkat" was a strange surname. No worse than the other possibilities he had had running about his head earlier, though. "And once again, apologies for his leaving. I recognize it as my fault, after all..."

"No shit, sherlock. God damn, you two are a veritable fucking brain trust, aren't you."

 _Rude._

Eridan's lip pulled into a mildly disgusted sneer, and he turned to knock on the door.

"Sol. Sol, I'm sorry. Is there any way I can make it up to you?"

" _Fuck off._ "

Well then.

\-----  
It was later that evening when Equius showed back up at the dorm room, several bags full of fast-food and a small girl in toe.

“God damn, motherfucker, we’ve been all up and missing you,” Gamzee said, throwing his arms around Equius in a huge hug before taking one of the bags and digging through it. “Things have been fucking tense while you were gone. Never thought _you’d_ be the least harsh blow to my mellow, honk!”

Eridan gave a casual wave from where he hung off the sofa, trying to keep as much distance between him and their guest, who had decided that he found it a good idea to stay and watch some cheesy romantic comedy when the man who invited him over had left.

“Where’s Sollux?” Equius asked, lowering his glasses slightly to peer around the room.

“Man, he fucked off to his room a couple hours ago.”

“If there’s a purroblem, I can leave,” the girl behind Equius piped up, and Eridan’s brow raised.

“So who’s this, Eq?”

"Ah, this is my dear friend, Nepeta Leijon." Equius introduces her, scratching the back of his head. "We have known each other for many years, I have been meaning to introduce you for quite some time." Of course, he had already introduced her to Gamzee, some time ago. Though he had not yet taken her back to meet the rest of his dorm mates.

"Hey sister! Nice to see ya again!" Gamzee gives her an enthusiastic hug, before taking over the introductions. "This is Eridan, he's usually grumpy, so don't worry about him!"

" _Excuse me!?_ "

"And this-" he ignores Eridan. "Is Karkat. He's Sollux's friend, doesn't live here like the rest of us brothers!"

"...You are absolutely the most infuriating person it has ever been my displeasure to have met, you know that?" Karkat levels at Gamzee, not even shouting he's just that irritated.

“It’s absolutely meowvelous to meet you two!” Nepeta said, moving her hand like a lucky cat’s paw rather than a proper wave. She looked between Eridan and Karkat, a slight blush coming up on her face when she looked at the latter of the two. She bit her lip with a giggle, sauntering over to sit at his feet by the sofa with her little Happy Meal box.

“I hope that these two haven’t bothered you too much,” Equius said, pulling a chair to Nepeta’s side and keeping a protective eye on her. “I’d be willing to put them in their place if you ordered me to.”

“Nah, after Eridan’s major bit of douchebaggery, they’ve just been mildly irritating,” Karkat grumbled as the clown handed him a burger.

"I'm not a fuckin' douchebag," Eridan grumbled.

Equius pressed his lips together. "It is not appropriate to refer to one of his class in such a manner..."

"Fuck off."

Nepeta interrupted before Equius could start lecturing again. "Purhaps you should tell us what happened?" She gave her best, well-intentioned smile.

Can a guy not watch his romcoms at another person's place or residence in peace? Karkat gave an irritated huff. "He did and acrobatic fucking pirouette onto Sollux's headphones and broke them, in an astounding maneuver of grace and fucktility. And that's why Sollux has locked himself in his room."

“In all fairness, I did the perfectly logical thing of apologizing and offering to pay for the damages,” he said before Equius could speak a word about propriety and taking responsibility like a responsible gentleman.

The long-haired man nodded gravely. “And so he still hasn’t emerged?”

“Every once in a while we hear some motherfucking sounds like some dope Japanese vidjyagame, some of that motherfucking moe shit, but our brother Sollux won’t show his face,” Gamzee said, flopping against Equius’ chair. Seeming content that the other man was there to (somewhat, considering his less-than-sober state) keep an eye on the girl batting her eyelashes at their guest, Equius walked to the door of Sollux and Eridan’s room. He rapped his knuckles gently against the door—in other words, the entire door managed to shake.

“Captor. Are you quite alright?” he asked.

There was a pause, then the lock clicks open and Sollux emerged, backpack slung over one shoulder and a deep set scowl on his face.

"Hey, KK. Can I bunk at your flat for tonight? Great, letth go." And he dragged Karkat out of the dorm, with no other warning, and without even waiting for him to give the okay. The sound of the two of them bickering could be heard all the way outside.

It took Equius a few minutes to process what the hell just happened, then he glanced into the dorm room to find that Sollux had cleared out his valuable possessions, then rearranged Eridan’s wardrobe.

Rearranged it onto the floor. With things carefully tied into a number of different and complicated knots. It was almost beautifully organized in its chaos, and clearing that up isn't going to be easy.

"Oh... my..."

“Glad that bastard is off to cool his hee _oh my god_ ,” Eridan exclaimed, peering in his room. He rushed past Equius, starting to untie things as quickly as possible. “Oh dear god, oh dear god, that fucking bastard, if he—”

Suddenly he let out a blood-curdling shriek.

“What is…oh, this is absolutely pawful!”

“What the motherfuck happened here?”

Eridan looked up at the three looking in the door, tears in his eyes, holding up a silky ascot.

“It…it has a snag…”


	7. A Very Ampora Christmas: Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, this is JD!  
> Me and Poodle wanted to get our Christmas chapter out for Christmas, buuuuuut things didn't quite work out.  
> But still, we got part of it finished! So enjoy Part One of the Christmas chapter, at the very least!
> 
> I'd also like to point out [How To Get Your Money's Worth](http://archiveofourown.org/works/289750) came between the last chapter and this one. Basically, if you don't want to read an M rated slashfic, just know that the two of them shagged under somewhat dubious conditions before this chapter happened.

Quite some time had past, and finally the semester was over, and the holidays were upon the Ivy League students. This meant holiday cheer, exchanging gifts, and most importantly...getting the fuck outta dodge.  
Eridan waved as two of his three roommates walked down the hall. He found it a little funny that they were splitting up the holidays half down south with Gamzee's family and half with Equius' more locally, but he had to admit he would find it enjoyable to spend the holidays with friends as well as family.

He pushed the door open with his hip, and paused before entering his bedroom to put the newly-unwrapped gifts into his suitcase. The sounds coming from his touchy roommate within the room did not sound like the most particularly pleasant ones in the world.

"I can't believe that-! Ugh, no. It's cool. I'm being irrational." A pause. "No really, Don't worry about it. I'll jutht thove your prethentth in the mail and hope they get two you on time." A pause. "No, I can't thtay with KK, He and hith thithter are going to their Grandma'th houthe for the hollidayth." A pause. "My roomateth are all going home twoday, tho it'll jutht be me for the next week or tho. For God'th thake, thtop appologithing." One last pause. "Yea, okay. I love you two. I'll thee you... thometime. Thend D-Two my betht withheth." A click as he hung up.

Eridan coughed as he leaned against the door frame, eying the other man. He wanted to say something, but he feared anything he said would set him on edge. He'd been upset for weeks now, snapping constantly at everyone, but especially him. It had become slightly better after finals had finished, but he still glared at Eridan every time their eyes met.

"It...sounds as if there are...troubles with your winter situation?" Eridan asked slowly, hoping not to trigger Sollux with the sheer sound of his voice.

A sigh, and he tucked his knees up under his chin and wrapped his arms around his legs. "My Dad'th were going two come down, but they can't afford the Travel. No point me going there, It'th two days travel either way, tho I wouldn't have time two thettle in before I'd have two be heading back." He shrugs. "It'th not a big deal."

Because clearly the fact that he was going to be alone over Christmas wasn't a big deal.

Eridan's brow furrowed slightly. He honestly had never been much of one for holidays--it was all just for show, really--but he couldn't really accept the idea of letting his roommate suffer lonliness over the holiday season, bad blood between them or not.

"So. Do you have backup plans?" Eridan asked, leaning against his bed.

"Nope."

"Ah." Eridan paused, then pulled his suitcase open. "If you want, we have a guestroom at the house. Father likely wouldn't mind if you stayed. I mean, he barely notices me half the time--"

There was a long pause. It seemed like he was considering it...but that would involve swallowing his pride.

Not that he hadn't basically lost all of his pride that night when they'd...done things...

...Fuck...

"...I don't want to be a bother..."

Eridan shifted uncomfortably, conscious of the thoughts that must have been going through his roommate's head. The...intimacy between the two had just led to a widening of the schism between them.

"You won't be a bother...and I'm not expecting anything, either," Eridan added, zipping the bag closed again. "I figured it would be more enjoyable for you to at least have someplace to go for the holidays. A nice little vacation, if nothing else."

A long, long pause.

"Okay, thhure." He didn't have the energy to argue at that point. And it'd be nice to have _some_ company over Christmas. Even if that company was _Eridan_ of all people.

Eridan was mildly surprised he said yes, but still more than a little excited about the prospect.  
...Excited. He didn't know how to feel about that.

At that moment, his phone started to play a tinny version of a classic Disney song sung by a young mermaid , and Eridan rushed to answer it, face flushed.

"Hello--oh, Sea--already? Right, right, we'll be right do--Don't give me that 'who's we', just EXPECT us."

He snorted and let his forehead drop down to his knees, not commenting so as not to disturb the conversation, before getting up and yanking his backpack out from under his bed. He shoved some basic sets of clothes into it, as well as his washbag, and finally put his Laptop in its bag before shouldering it.

And just like that he was ready to go.

Eridan looked sadly at the tiny backpack. That would...not do. He had to take the poor boy shopping if he would even _dream_ of showing up at an Ampora Christmas party.

But this was not the time to mention it. He walked past Sollux, their hands brushing together lightly. "The valet's about to arrive outside. We ought to go down."

And suddenly Sollux was really nervous, which didn't make any sense because there was no way that this was a _thing_ at all and... Fuck.

He acted completely impassive, "Alright, cool," as he heads to the exit. His lack of witty retort being the only indication as to how his insides suddenly feel like jello.

The car had already pulled up to the curb when the two made it out of the building, and Eridan pursed his lips as the valet came out of the car, but not his father.

“Father couldn't be bothered to grace me with his presence, Seahorse?” Eridan asked the long-nosed, pale man, who scoffed as he grabbed Eridan's bags.

“Your father is a busy man. He hasn't the time for such a long trip, boy,” he said, hefting the luggage into the trunk before eying Sollux. “Who's the flavour of the week?”

“He's no such thing,” Eridan hissed at him.

“At least he's better than that gothic harlot with the spider obsession you brought home last Christmas,” Seahorse said, taking Sollux's bag as well before slamming the trunk shut. “Hope he knows what he's getting into with you.”

“Seahorse, I swear...”

The valet chuckled, getting back into the drivers seat. Narrowing his eyes, Eridan opened the near door for Sollux before going around and entering the other side.

"You know, I'm perfectly capable of opening basic car doors myself." He quipped as he climbed in, closing the door and pulling his seatbelt across his lap, carefully.

The car was almost sickeningly clean. There wasn't a single spec of dust on the dashboard, not a single crumb or smudge of mud in the footrests, and the whole interior smells of leather polish, thinly masked by expensive air freshener.

He didn't feel comfortable sitting in it.

"It's called bein' fuckin' polite," Eridan said, staring out the window and tapping his fingers on the car door. He didn't dare show Sollux his mild discomfort at being in the confined space with him for such a length of time, no less after the valet had made assumptions that hit far too close to the truth.

He finally glanced over to see the other man looking just as uncomfortable as him.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, managing to cover discomfort with haughtiness.

"Well _excuse_ me, Mr Ampora." He puts on his best snarky voice. "But not everyone can afford two have their carth polished like you. I'm not used two thitting in a vehicle that'th tho... thterile."

Eridan chuckled and leaned forward to whisper.

"Honestly? I think that it's a tad ridiculous just how much detail goes into detailing this thing. But it's all in appearances."

He snorted and rolls his eyes. Appearances. Right.

But it helped him feel more comfortable, and he leaned back a bit into the surprisingly soft seat. His reply is also whispered. "You people and you 'appearances,' Jesus."

"Appearances are dreadfully important things!" Eridan said, eyes closing as if he were reciting a memorized lecture. "They have helped many a business negotiation or political deal in the past. Those who are worthwhile will keep up good appearances for others, and thus we must always strive to show ourselves as superior to the other trash laying about."

"...Tho they beat that intwo you or what?"

"...I can't expect you to understand. Different worlds and all that." Eridan cast his eyes away, putting his hand down on the leather seat in between them.

"Anyway. It's going to be a long ride. My apologies, I suppose, but it's worth it to be able to be back in New York."

"...Beatth thitting around the dorm, I guethh..." He shrugs. He'd been about to say something else snarky, but he'd changed his mind.

He sort of wished that he could go on his laptop, but didn't want to appear rude for... some reason? Why he fuck did he care all of a sudden? But whatever.

"Are you even allowed to spend the holidays in a dorm? Not that I'd ewer do such a thing..." Eridan rubbed his fingers together. He was nervous. Why the hell was he nervous about this. He thought about pulling out his phone and seeing if anyone was online to talk to, but instead he just sat there, chewing the inside of his lip.

It was going to be a long ride.

They sat in awkward silence for a good long time. Sollux was the one who gave in first and pulled out his phone, signing on to have a good bitch about the situation to... _someone._ Seeing Sollux pull out his phone caused Eridan to do the same. It seemed strange--it felt like jealousy? Retaliation? No matter.

He logged on to messenger, and within a few moments he heard the little ding of a message pop up.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--    
TA: why ii2 nobody el2e onliine?  
TA: ii need two biitch at 2omeone and there are 2everal people above you on the biitch lii2t.  
TA: a2 good at iit a2 you are.   
CA: oh suck it you  
CA: as it so happens though  
CA: i havve plenty to bitch about myself  
CA: so you caught me at a good moment to trade complaints   
TA: are you 2tuck iin a car wiith THE mo2t iin2uferable priick you have ever met?  
TA: becau2e iif the atmo2phere get2 any thiicker iin here ii am goiing two 2uffocate.   
CA: holy carp thats exactly wwhats fuckin happenin to me  
CA: only id call him more of an unbelivvable asshole myself   
TA: your jokiing.  
TA: that2...  
TA: what are even the chance2 of that happeniing? liike, two percent?   
CA: fuck if i knoww  
CA: arent you the mathematical freak around here  
CA: come to think of it my roommate probably wwould knoww  
CA: some sort of smartass compsci major

The gears grind in Sollux's head.

TA: CA, out of curiio2iity... what do you look liike?   
CA: i dont see wwhy that fuckin matters  
CA: wwait  
CA: are you comin on to me   
TA: no you iin2uferable priick  
TA: okay we'll do thii2 another way  
TA: ii2 your name eriidan ampora   
CA: ...  
CA: captor?  
CA: wwtf.  
CA: seriously.

Eridan stared at Sollux from over his phone, expression weary.

 _Thank_ god _he hadn't told TA about the sexual tension in the car._

Sollux casually continued to reply over his phone, rather then risk having the driver (Eridan had called him Seabass, or something?) overhear what was bound to be the most awkward conversation ever.

TA: look2 liike iit.  
TA: ii alway2 2u2pected you were ugly, but ii had no iidea ju2t HOW ugly untiil now.

"Oh fuck yo--" Eridan started, before glancing at the valet and typing furiously.

CA: seriously fuck you  
CA: i am the epitome of masculine beauty  
CA: and wwhile wwere at it i had always figured youd be a nerd  
CA: but i thought you wwouldnt be quite such a skinny twwig  
CA: eat a fuckin sandwwich

A snort.

TA: at liie2t iim not faiiliing my cla22e2.  
TA: remiind me agaiin what your prediicted re2ult2 for your fiinal2 are?   
CA: theyre good enough  
CA: just because you havve some ungodly perfectionist ideals  
CA: and a poor mans scholarship   
TA: you have any iidea how hard iit wa2 two GET that 2ciolar2hiip?  
TA: have you actully WORKED a day iin your LIIFE!?  
TA: fuck you, ii earned iit. 2o ii de2erve iit a fuckton more then you ever wiill.   
CA: look you dont knoww shit about my life  
CA: so dont you givve me this shit  
CA: fuck and to think im lettin you come spend christmas wwith me  
CA: maybe i should havve just called ag  
CA: asked if she wwanted to come down for a wwhile   
TA: fuck that.  
TA: 2he2 more of a biitch then you are.   
CA: but a better fuck than you

Eridan practically snarled at the other man.

Sollux glanced down at that line of text... and promptly dropped his phone, having to lean forward to scrabble for it as it clattered too the floor.

Eridan chuckled a bit at the sight.

"Can't quite handle the truth, hm?"

"You're a _bathtard!_ " He scoops up his phone and

\--twinArmorgeddons [TA] has blocked caligulasAquarium [CA]\-- 

"Oh, ever so mature, Sol," Eridan said, snapping his phone shut. "At least I know you're insecure about that now. Good to know for the future.”

The long, relatively silent drive that followed was sickeningly boring, and by the time they finally arrived at the door of the huge Ampora family townhouse, Eridan was incredibly glad to be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JD: I'd just like to say holy gods Eridan and Sollux's colours look pretty together.


	8. A Very Ampora Christmas: Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY we got around to writing this! Ahahaha  
> Anyway, enjoy!  
> -JD

Bleary eyes crack open as light streams in through the too-thin curtains to fall across the white sheeted double bed. The mustard blond groans groggily and props himself up on his elbows. Where the fuck-

Oh, right, He's at Eridan's house. The long, awkward drive full of horrifying revelations had been yesterday, and he was in probably the fanciest bedroom he had ever seen in his life. 

He hadn't even seen any of the other household members yet. He wondered, blearily, if Eridan had talked to his Dad yet, or if that was going to be a very awkward breakfast. 

Of course, he didn't have to much to fear. Granted, after he had given Sollux the brief tour of the house, using all of the proper dignified humility when pointing out the 400 year old antique dining table or the genuine Da Vinci in the living room, he had brought his house guest directly to an empty bedroom and proceeded to not say a word to anyone other than his valet for the rest of the evening. There was no need really, seeing as both Eridan and Sollux got no more reaction from Mr. Ampora when they arrived in the dining room than a single cocked eyebrow over the Wall Street Journal. 

"Hm,” the man said simply, stirring his coffee and looking over the two boys. "Well, Eridan. I suppose that you've found someone of slightly better fashion sense than your last partner. However, I fear that you still haven't quite tried hard enough.” 

It takes a few seconds for that to sink in, and when it does, Sollux chokes on air. "I... What? No, ED and I are _not_ like that. And my fathion thenthe ith _perfectly fine_ thank you very much.” he curses his lisp even as he attempts to pronounce the words "fashion sense.” It was always worst when he was flustered, and the red flush that formed across his cheeks was extremely telling. Eridan merely stared in abject horror at the two of them. 

Dualscar chuckled in amusement. "Of course you're not, no. My dear son simply offered you his bed out of the kindness of his heart.” 

"He's not sleepin wwith me, Father!” 

"Sleeping, Eridan. And stop that stutter. Your lovely young companion here obviously has been a bit of a bad influence on your elocution. Perhaps we should bring back your tutor?” 

"That's entirely not necessary,” Eridan said, sinking into his chair with a groan as a maid seemed to float into the room. She smiled, taking her two masters' breakfast orders before turning to Sollux, the same knowing twinkle in her eye that Dualscar entertained. 

"And what will our dear boy's...guest be taking this morning?” 

He licks his lips, before deciding to be needlessly awkward. "Can I have Crunch Berries? With a spare bowl and the milk off to the side in a jug? _Please._ ” He licks his lips, and watches as the mais arches her eyebrows quite spectacularly. She glanced over to Dualscar, as if searching for his approval for the rather strange request, only to receive a nod. She was obviously resisting the urge to shrug as she jotted down the request. 

"And to drink, sir?” 

"Just some orange juice would be great, thank you.” 

As soon as she trotted off, whispering something to herself about where in blazes she'd find sugary cereal promptly, Dualscar continued his line of questioning. 

"So, I assume you met my son at Harvard. I hope he hasn't been giving you too much trouble there.” 

"I have a th-Scolarship, yea. We SHair a room. He broke my headphoneS.” He's trying so hard... 

Dualscar nodded approvingly at the efforts. "I'm sorry about his idiocy. I trust that he promptly made amends on the matter.” Before Sollux could have time to snap or Eridan to complain, he went on to a better focus. "Scholarship, though. That explains a few things. What are you studying? Maybe I could find you something in the way of an internship this summer if it's relevant. I can always use fresh blood in our organization.” 

"Uh... Computer thience...” He does not even how to reply to that. 

"Very good, very good. Actually, that could be ideal; we do outsource a lot in that area to Trident, which means you could most likely transfer into a permanent position there. I'm rather close, shall we say, to Ms. Peixes, the CEO. It shouldn't be an issue in the least.” 

"How come you never offer me anything like this, Daddy,” Eridan said, and Dualscar looked at him with a touch of pity. Sollux snickered. 

"Because, dear, I've left you to your history books and your whales and all those little things. Now shush, the adults are talking business.” 

"He's my age—” 

"Eridan. Please.” 

"Yea, ED, Let the mature people talk about important things. Perhaps you could run along and play with your toys~” 

"Fuck you, Sol.” 

"That was uncalled for on both your parts,” Dualscar chided. "You can commence your flirting away from the breakfast table.” 

Hello, incoherent stutters. "We weren't flirting!” 

"Of course not, how foolish of me. Now, where were we?” 

Sollux clears his throat. "Feferi is actually attending Harvard with us. Feferi Peixes.” 

Eridan looked up in confusion, his eyes boring through Sollux with shock at the name of his childhood best friend being uttered for the first time in years, and wondering why on earth he hadn't heard that she was on the same campus as him. 

"Oh, is she now? Condi never mentioned where she sent her daughter. She did say she talked her out of going to art school in Europe, but I have no idea what she's doing now.” 

"Nor do I,” Eridan added, looking at Sollux almost accusingly. 

"I don't know much, She's studying business and I was asked to help her with some programming for her account works.” A shrug. "She's convinced she was put on the course on purpose because 'they' want her to fail, it's sort of cute, actually.” And a wink. 

"Well, I can feel Condi's pain. She's trying to produce a decent heir, even if she knows she will fail. Sometimes I tell her it would be better to cut her losses, let the child go on a quest to save the whales or the trees or whatever through song and dance and find herself a new person to pass her company on to.” 

Eridan made a personal note to look for any possible way to save the whales on campus as soon as he returned. 

A shrug. "Some people are born into power, others have to earn it. It's usually those who earn it who end up the most successful.” A pointed look toward Eridan. 

"That's good to know, what with myself being the third owner of this company in my family line.” Dualscar smiled, tight lipped. 

Luckily for Sollux, at that moment two huge breakfast platters—and a bowl of deathly sweet cereal—appeared at just that moment. 

The bowl of dry cereal, jug of milk and spare bowl were placed down in front of him, and the conversation was forgotten in favor of removing all the green berries from his cereal and placing them in the spare bowl, so that only the red and blue ones remained amongst the yellow crunchies. It was probably somewhat bizarre to watch, as it managed to absorb all of his attention to the point that he didn't even notice the staring from those around him. 

"And yet, he's still better than Miss Serket.” 

"Daddy. Really. Seriously. Stop.” 

This grabs his attention. "Who?” 

"Arachnid's Grip. Used to be a thing, remember,” Eridan muttered offhandedly. 

"AG? She's a bitch. Everyone knowth it.” A shrug, and he turns back to his cereal pecking. 

"Whatewer,” Eridan said, flinching when he caught himself. "It's not like it matters that much anyway.” 

"Especially as you didn't give me any badly dressed, 80s reject grandchildren. Right, Eridan?” 

"No! Cod, Dad...” 

"There's thomething fishy about that latht thentence.” Sollux snickers, his lisp devolving as he resists the urge to laugh his head off at the others pain. 

"I'm glad you managed to save me anything as unfortunate as that, then. Really, I regret my own days of youth and my Flock of Seagulls haircut, I would hate to see it on my grandchild who was the result of teen pregnancy.” 

"Can we just not talk about Vris?” 

"Fine. So, when are you going to make this young man into a proper Ampora instead?” 

Cereal and bacon nearly flew across the table from the respective students' mouths. 

"What.” 

"What?” 

Sollux thumps a hand against his chest, trying to dislodge something that had ended up in his windpipe rather violently. "One time! Fuck.” 

A smirk creeped over both of the Amporas' faces. 

"I knew I would get that out of you eventually.” 

Eridan's head whipped around to look at his father aghast, not wanting to deal with the man understanding Sollux's two-word confession. 

"Eridan. He's a little rough around the edges, but I think that you finally may have found a decent one,” Dualscar said. "A fashion consultant, a speech therapist, a psychiatrist, we have a perfect addition to our little family. Do not fuck this up.” 

"W-w-w-w-what?” 

"I will pretend that was a genuine stammer. I can only imagine you'd find another Vriska if you let this one go. Do. Not.” 

Sollux just GAWPS at him. Dualscar raised and lowered his eyebrows in approval at Sollux. "You really do seem like the sort of boy who could have potential if taught how to function in high society.” 

"...Maybe High thociety thould learn how to function with ME.” It's part way between a nervous stutter and a snarl. 

"Aww. How quaint. I'm going to call in Sheryl to work on that little lisp with you. You were doing so well, and then your social class showed its face again.” 

Poor Sollux degrades into outraged stutters. 

Dualscar simply grinned, folding up his paper and attending to his breakfast in silence. Eridan followed suit, not wanting anything to do with his father, and knowing that any sort of interaction with his...whatever Sollux was in relation to him would result in the man opening his mouth again. 

Oh bacon. You are my only friend. You do not judge what I do. 

I lowe you bacon. 

\----- 

"WHAT. IS. HIS. _PROBLEM!?_ ” 

Eridan sighed into his glass. Beer. Beer was also his friend. At eleven in the morning. But no matter. 

"He’s an asshole,” Eridan said, staring into the hoppy depths. "He may be one of the most respected, brilliant, wealthy men in the country, but it doesn’t change the fact that he likes to make as much of my life a misery as possible.” 

"And now, apparently, he wantth to do the thame to me.” Pissed off face. 

"At least he fuckin’ likes you. Offerin’ you what should be my position with the whole family business shit, bein’ all ‘marry that ugly lispy fucker, son,’” he spat. 

"I don’t care what he thayth. We are not, and never will be, at THING.” He shoots the other a glare. "ONE time, ED, And you practically raped me. It doethn’t count.” 

"I never said we should be a thing why would you suggest anything along those lines I would never ever want to be partnered with you it’s bad enough we share a room even though you do have a nice ass but I did not rape you I never even want to fuck you again not really...” 

"...Eridan... Jethuth...” 

"Just...just figured we should get that out in the open. I don’t want to do that ewer again. Nope. 

There is a long, uncomfortable pause. "...Sure, ED, Whatever you say.” 

"I would have thought you’d agree on the matter more wholeheartedly. You almost make it sound like you’d still entertain thoughts.” Eridan laughed nervously, tilting his glass back some more. 

"I’m just weirded out by how much you’re talking. I’m not underthanding half the thhit that ith coming out of your cake whole. It hath turned into very much a ‘thmile and nod’ thituation.” when in doubt; snark, snark, snark. 

Eridan smiled and nodded, causing Sollux to smack him over the back of the head. "Ahaha, for cod’s sake, man. It’s for the best. We should just...not mention that evening anymore. It’s in the past. And all that.” 

"No, really? I thought it was in the future! Or the prethent! How foolithh have been!” 

"I thought we were avoiding it being in the present,” Eridan said, pulling out his phone. Oh, thank goodness. People. People online. People who were not Captor. 

"Yeth. Yeth we were.” And he pulls out his own phone and tipping the last of his glass of beer down his throat. 

KK. re2cue me. I’m 2tuck at EDs hou2e and he2 trying to pair u2 up.  
vvris. rescu--you knoww wwhat nevver mind that wwill make evverything wworse.

\--- 

It was later that afternoon when the various members of the Ampora household went to do...whatever it was that rich people did with their offensive amounts of money and time that Sollux found himself typing at another member of his little online community he had been in for some time. 

\--twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering terminallyCapricious [TC]\--  
TA: ii know thii2 ii2 goiing two 2ound liike a weiird que2tiion but thii2 ha2 happened two me twiice already.  
TA: are you attendiing harvard uniiver2iity at all?  
TC: WeLl ShIt MoThErFuCkEr I dO!  
TC: aLl Up AnD sTuDyIn SoMe MiRaCuLoUs ShIt ThAt I aIn’T gOt AnY iDeA wHaT iT mOtHeRfUcKiNg Is.  
TA: 2o youre gamzee makara riight?  
TC: FuCk ArE yOu A sPy?  
TC: MoThErFuCkInG iNtErPoL AlL iN mY gRiLl.  
TA: no iim jju2t your room mate ii2 all.  
TC: AwW sHiT  
TC: hEy ThErE eQuIuS mY bRoThEr!  
TC: :o)  
TA: ...other room mate.  
TC: AwW rEaLlY? sUp ErIdAn, SoRrY i FuCkEd ThAt Up  
TA: what? NO! how 2tupiid ARE you!?  
TC: KaRkAt?  
TA: ...what? KK ii2nt our room mate...  
TC: Oh AiGhT i ThInK i KnOw WhO tHiS mOtHeRfUcKiNg Is!  
TC: YoU’rE eRiDaN’s BoYfRiEnD wHo KeEpS sTaYiNg OvEr RiGhT?  
TA: ii hate you  
\--twinArmageddons [TA] has BLOCKED terminallyCapricious [TC]\--

\--centaursTesticle [CT] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]\--  
CT: sHiT mAn I’m MoThErFuCkInG sOrRy  
CT: mIsTaKiNg YoU aNd AlL tHaT sHiT  
CT: i MeAn Eq-BrO iS cT hOw ThE mOtHeRfUcK wOuLd He Be YoU?  
TA: uuuuuuuurgh  
TA: my name ii2 2ollux captor. ii ju2t happen two 2hare a room wiith eridan ampora. he ii2 NOT my boyfriiend. ii wiill cut you iif you 2ugge2t otherwii2e. Capiiche?  
CT: fUcK mAn  
CT: It’S oK tO bE gAy  
CT: I’lL sTiLl LoVe YoU bRoThEr  
TA: ii have nothiing agaiin2t gay2 my dad2 are gay and iim bii  
TA: ii ju2t really do not liike ED  
CT: ThAt’S cOoL  
CT: i BeLiEvE iN sPrEaDiN aLl ThE mOtHeRfUcKiNg LoVe YoU kNoW  
CT: nO sUcH tHiNg As GaY aNd StRaIgHt  
CT: JuSt HaRmOnY  
CT: D--> oh love  
CT: dId YoU lIkE tHe CaKe?  
TA: no.  
\--twinArmageddons [TA] has BLOCKED centaursTesticle [CT]\-- 

\--- 

Christmas could not come and go fast enough, as far as Sollux was concerned. Going to bed on Christmas eve was with the dread of a long, strenuous day ahead of him. 

Imagine his surprise, then, when he woke up to find a huge pile of presents had been snuck into his room, all of which were addressed to him. 

"...The fuck?” 

The majority of them were in a conservative, gold paper, looking much as if they had been wrapped at a denomination-neutral store as opposed to by a human being. Upon inspection when he opened the card attached to the first one, flourishing handwriting stated: 

"If you ever dream to be my son in law, you really must take care of your appearance.  
Love always,  
O.D. Ampora.” 

The overly expensive polo and khakis he saw inside were as offensive to him as the card. Maybe Equius would want this crap or something. 

There was, however, one little box that was wrapped in binary-code covered paper, the tape slightly lopsided. Curiously, Sollux opened the box. 

Headphones. High end, expensive headphones. Oh, yes, Sollux could get more then his fair use out of these. 

A note was attached to this too: 

"Dear Sol,  
Fuck you.  
Eridan.” 

Sollux laughs and casually slings the headphones around his neck, before shoving on a pair of his regular jeans and a blue and red checked shirt before picking up the note, quickly scribbling something on it, and slouching off downstairs, refusing to use the elevator (They had an _elevator_... Sweet Jesus these _people_...) 

Upon reaching the breakfast table he plops down, and tosses the note across the table at Eridan with a snicker, resisting the urge to tilt his chair back and shove his feet up on the table. Eridan flushed brightly when he read the words. 

"That wwas not an invitation!” 

"Thure it wathn’t, you are tho very convincing.” 

Dualscar and his trophy wife of the moment simply looked mildly disappointed at the boy, but Eridan couldn’t help but feel a touch of pride at his gift hanging around Sollux’s neck. One upmanship on his father was always a lovely thing. 

Damn, he was sounding like that psychology student with the tentacle fetish. 

It was relatively uneventful as time passed afterward. It wasn't long before the two of them were happily, and mercifully _silently_ , on their way back to their pleasant little dormitories. Sure, there were a few instances of lecturing over events Eridan was to attend as the "visual heir of the Ampora corporation” and how Sollux should "mind his manners and be sure to work on both social and academic skills,” but it was over faster than they expected. Little had changed in the flat--Eridan found himself mildly more busy with things in the way of involvement for the sake of other people, Sollux seemed to still be poking his nose around online forums attempting to finish off the list of who the fuck all their friends were, and Gamzee and Equius were...more tanned, they supposed. 

Then again, it seemed there was a tad less bickering about the flat. Near snarls seemed to now be nearly friendly nods. In general, it was a peaceful time. 

For now.


	9. Singles Awareness Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Gamzee plays cupid and Sollux gets thrown in the river.

The next month went past in a blur. Before anyone really had time to think, unless it was about schoolwork, February was rearing its ugly head. And that meant one thing to to students attending Harvard: Valentines Day.

Not that it was any different anywhere else particularly--after all, the greeting card industry had long ago made the holiday a thriving mass of pointless consumerism amongst couples and very angry singles. Of course, Universities with their young students thriving on their Independence and sexual liberation whilst working on their tight student budgets were hit especially hard by the hormonal holiday.

Eridan had attempted to ignore the pink and red hearts scattered throughout stores and restaurants and even parts of the campus. He had managed to get back in touch with Feferi--a flurry of hellos and hugs and excited catching up--but little to nothing had happened on the romantic front with her. He couldn’t help but still feel the childhood butterflies fluttering in his stomach when he saw her, but honestly too much had changed between them. They were far better off simply waltzing around campus with Greenpeace clipboards and being ignored together.

And then there was the matter of Sollux. Good lord, he did not even want his mind to flit there. Still, he occasionally would find himself glancing over at his roommate, wondering if perhaps he should do something, anything, to break the tension between them. Granted, he wouldn’t admit aloud to it, what with becoming comfortable with their mutual loathing having become a mildly-annoyed tolerance, but he couldn’t help the thoughts of what they would do if for some mad reason he did proposition some sort of romantic relationship.

Sollux, on the other hand, hadn't given thought to any of that since he’d managed to load most of his simply ghastly, upper-class Christmas presents onto Equius (who had been extremely pleased, if a little put off by the fact that they didn’t quite fit and would need taking out at the shoulders.) He had _very _different thoughts on his mind when it came to this particular holiday, namely: pretend it wasn’t happening so he could focus on his studies.__

__Of course, as with Eridan, this was easier said than done._ _

__Especially when Feferi chose to show up to all of their project sessions in short skirts and wearing a huge, accepting smile on her face._ _

__Damn it all._ _

__Perhaps he would get her one card... something simple and cheap... something that said “Hey, I’m open if you want but I’m cool with just being friends-”_ _

__...He was over thinking this._ _

__And that was how, on February tenth, he ended up blurting, “I’m thinking of getting Feferi a card or thomething but I keep changing my mind,” to the one person who happened to be around at the time. Unfortunately, that person was Eridan._ _

__He blinked. “Fef.” He couldn’t be serious._ _

__“Uh... Yea. You’re friendth with her, right? I’ve theen the two of you running around camputh with your billboardth and your collection boxeth trying to thave the whaleth. What thort of thing would the like?” He lisped worse than usual, suddenly nervous and not sure why._ _

__Eridan’s face was cold, unmoving except for the tiniest twitch in his upper lip. “Howw wwould I knoww? There’s no reason I wwould have any idea of wwhat you should giwe to her as a gift.”_ _

__A pause. “...Are you okay? You’re doing that thing again wwhere you wwont thtop wwobbling your w’th” When in doubt: mockery is a decent fallback clause._ _

__Eridan didn’t even speak. His eyes darted over Sollux’s face, looking for any sign that he possibly could be joking about the entire thing._ _

__God he hoped that jealousy was for Feferi._ _

__He turned around silently, retreating to the kitchen to pull out a fancy bottle of microbrew he had managed to get one of his older friends to finally buy for their house instead of the cheap canned crap they had had for months prior. Popping the cap off, he glanced back at Sollux._ _

__“Wish you luck I guess,” he said._ _

__He gnawed at his lower lip for a second, thinking over the possibilities for Eridan’s odd behaviour and finally settling on the one he found least uncomfortable in the stomach. “Look, if you have your eye on her or thomething then jutht thay the word and I’ll back off.” He shrugs, but his eyes remain locked on Eridan, observing his reaction to make sure he was right._ _

___Please, dear God, let him be right..._ _ _

__“Well, there’s no doubt I deserve her more than you do,” Eridan quipped. “I mean really. What do you have to offer her? You’re...well. Look at you.”_ _

__Bastard. “I’m about two timeth more intelligent then you,” he exaggerates “That’th what I have to offer.”_ _

__“Brains don’t buy happiness.”_ _

__“...That’th becauthe you can’t BUY happineth, douchgiggleth.” Sollux rolls his eyes and gets to his feet. “Forget it, I don’t even know why I athked you.” And without further ado he scooped up his laptop and walked out._ _

__Well then._ _

__Gamzee is walking in just as Sollux is flouncing out. He watches the other go and frowns slightly, head tilting to one side before he sits down and looks at Eridan, questioningly. “Fuuuuck, brother, what’s got Solbro all up and motherfucking spring-loaded?”_ _

__“He’s just poking his damned bits where they don’t belong,” Eridan grumbled quietly, not bothering to look his companion in the eye. Gamzee looked him over quizzically, shrugged, and retrieved a bottle of vodka from the freezer._ _

__“You two sure have a rocky relationship going on, motherfucker.”_ _

__“We have no such thing.” Eridan looked practically offended._ _

__“Hey, it’s cool, it’s cool. If you can’t patch shit up with him before motherfucking Chocolate Day, you can always hang out with me and Eq and our bros.”_ _

__“That’s quite fine,” Eridan said, a little more irritation in his voice than there probably should have been._ _

__There is a pause, Gamzee seems to be trying to work something out, but the pieces just don’t seem to be falling into place in his drug-addled brain. “...What is even the deal with you two, anyway?” He asks after a while. “You’re like, fighting one motherfucking moment, chill the fucking next, all up and over the motherfucking place. What’s the deal?”_ _

__“There’s no ‘deal.’ He’s just a ridiculous, idiotic prat who does not know his place in the world,” he snarled, as much trying to confirm the thought in his own head as communicate it to his roommate._ _

__“...But that’s, like, what you like about him?” He just isn’t getting it._ _

__“Why in fuck’s name would I like him for being an imbecile?”_ _

__“...I dunno, he’s your boyfriend.” a shrug. Gamzee, no..._ _

__“He ain’t my fuckin’ boyfriend, and he never will be.” Crap. That sounded far too bitter._ _

__A pause. “He ain’t?” Finally it seems that he’s getting it, but he still seems bewildered. He looks Eridan right in the eyes and gives him an innocent, rather endearing look. “...Don’t you motherfucking want him to be, though?” It’s sort of painfully hard not to be honest to this guy when he’s always so open and honest about himself._ _

__“That’s as idiotic as saying that you are obviously in love with Equius.” Gamzee snorted in response. “Besides, even if I did want him to be my boyfriend...well, it’s stupid. Let’s leave it at that._ _

__A pause. “...Brother, I AM in love with Equius. I thought that was motherfucking obvious.” Headtilt._ _

__“That’s fuckin’ hilarious. Really. Cut the shit.”_ _

__Gamzee just blinks at him, not showing any signs of insincerity._ _

__“Well, stupid fuckin’ jokes aside,” Eridan went on, staring about the kitchen, “there’s nothin’ I can do about my roommate tryin’ to fuck the girl I once wanted to fuckin’ marry.”_ _

__“Aww shit, bro, that sucks,” Gamzee sighs as he reaches over and pats Eridan on the back. “So if you ain’t with Sollux, and you like this girl, why don’t you just all up and motherfucking tell her?”_ _

__“Wwell,” Eridan stuttered, biting his lip and flushing. “I just...it’s not exactly a fuckin’ easy thing to do.”_ _

__“But if you don’t all up and do it, you’re going to miss your chance, bro!” Gamzee stated, in one of his bizarre moments of deep wisdom. He jumped to his feet and clapped Eridan on the back probably a little harder then he needed to. “I’ll help you!” he declared with a sudden bout of enthusiasm, and in a way that made it obvious that he decided to do this whether Eridan liked it or not._ _

__“Dear fuckin’ god, you have to be kiddin’ me,” Eridan said, his brows furrowing. “Even if Fef was interested in me in the fuckin’ least, I doubt that you’re attempts at aid would do anything positive towards our failure of a relationship.”_ _

___Same for Sollux; that’s never happening._ _ _

___Fuck, Eridan. Don’t think like that._ _ _

__A frown crossed Gamzee’s normally blissful face. “With that attitude you ain’t got any chance.” then a mischievous smile starts to spread. “Consider this your motherinterfuckingvention!” And with a jump and a pop, he’s out the door._ _

__A few seconds later he sticks his head back in. “You did all up and say that it was Fef-sis who you got your pandering on for, right?”_ _

__“No, it was fuckin’ Nepeta. Of course it was Feferi. Who else would it be.” Eridan shook his head. “And I have less need for an intervention and more need for more beer. Did you manage to go and get a bloody fake ID yet? You’ve said you would for weeks now.”_ _

__Gamzee just taps the side of his nose, that mischievous grin still plastered across his face, then he's out the door again._ _

__This... can't be good._ _

__"Fuck," Eridan muttered, pouring the rest of the bottle down his throat._ _

__~*~*~_ _

__Oh dear god. How on the fucking planet did this...this...manage to happen._ _

__Couldn't a man be entitled to a dull Valentine's night of bumming around in his room, pitying himself for his lack of the romantic relationship he rightfully deserved? The peace of self loathing without being dragged out of said room by a sparkly clown in a cheap rental tuxedo? Without being shoved into a face-to-face encounter with [one] of the objects of his pining?_ _

___God, someone shoot me now._ _ _

___It would be the merciful thing to do._ _ _

__Gamzee grins and gives Eridan a slap on the back, as if to reassure him, before darting over to the small _orchestra_ that is set up not too far away and scooping up a violin that seemed to have been waiting for him. A violin. There are a few seconds of bustling as everyone settles down, then a soft, slow, gentle song begins to play._ _

__Feferi giggles at these shenanigans, and wonders how on EARTH Gamzee managed to get the ENTIRE musical department to chip into this, before standing up to greet Eridan. She is wearing a simple, although elegant pink dress, that reaches the floor and seems to flow out behind her. Her long hair cascades down her back in the natural ringlets that were the envy of every girl in Harvard, and she wore only a quick layer of gloss on her lips. She'd obviously just thrown something on last minute with little or no advanced notice, but even so..._ _

__Stepping forward, she lightly kisses Eridan on boh cheeks before taking his hands in hers and stepping back. "Did you know about this?"_ _

__I had no idea, Fef, and I am so sorry about all of...this," he said, waving his hand at the elaborate setup. Good god, she was beautiful. He would have done just about anything to run his fingers through her hair, but no; that would have been entirely innappropriate. It was remarkable to him how well she was taking this elaborate display; he may as well attempt to take it with the same grace she offered._ _

__"Mr. Ampora, Miss Peixes," a low rumbling voice interjected, and Eridan turned to see Equius dressed up in a similar cheesy outfit to that of his captor. "If you don't mind, may I lead you to your seats?"_ _

__A bubbling laugh rippled through her, and she smiles widely. "Whale...~ It would be quite impolite of us to turn down such hospitality, wouldn't it?" and with that she curtsied and motioned for Equius to lead the way, even though she can clearly see the table. It's the polite thing to do, after all. She was clearly taking everything in stride._ _

__Eridan sat down across from her, wondering why precisely they had to be led to the only actual table in the room._ _

__Then again, there really was no reason for him to wonder about that, considering everything else that was occurring. Equius handed them each a remarkably professional looking menu, that was even more remarkably dry._ _

__"...And if you'd like, I may start with taking your wine order..." he said, flushing ever so slightly._ _

___Whatever's the highest percentage_ , Eridan wanted to say, but he managed to just ask for a glass of merlot instead, avoiding eye contact with anyone in the room._ _

__Feferi glanced over the fancy wines listed, and offered a smile as she looked up at Equius, showing her line of perfect, pearl-like teeth. “A glass of Chardonnay would be lovely. What about you, Eridan?”_ _

__“I guess the Malbec,” he muttered, not wanting to accept the reality that was this dinner. Why oh why was he stuck here..._ _

__...Wait. Why was he fretting so much over a dinner with Fef? For goodness’ sake, hadn’t he wanted a date with her for years? This was idiotic. He faked a smile and looked back at her._ _

__God, she was beautiful._ _

__“So...howw have the years been treating you?” he asked, wincing at the nervous break in his speech and shooting a quick “hurry up” glare in Equius’ general direction._ _

__“Oh, you know, there are good days and bad days.” she hums thoughtfully to herself, wanting to answer properly. “You know, I often envy our classmates... They so often complain about the pressure their parents put on them to succeed... they don’t realize what it’s like when your only real parental figure instead puts pressure on you to fail.”_ _

__There is a pause after she said this, until her face lights up and she asks in all sincerity; “What about you?”_ _

__“Oh, things have been going just swimmingly,” he said, smiling softly when she giggled at the pun. He forgot how fond of silly little sea jokes she was. “Just dealing with the stresses of my idiotic roommates. Seriously, you would have thought they’d let someone rent a flat if they wanted to. I’m pretty sure I could handle my own place, with fewer brats running around, constantly running their mouths.” Equius showed up with the wine bottles, raising an eyebrow over his dark-tinted glasses and frowning slightly. Eridan laughed nervously as he went away, likely to go spit in the food or something._ _

__“Aren’t you rooming with Sollux?” Feferi asks innocently enough, tilting her head to one side. “I know he can be a bit of a know-it-all but he isn’t THAT bad. And he really IS good at what he does.” A sigh, and a breathy laugh. “I would probably be failing my course without him, if I’m honest...”_ _

__“Yeah, that’s great,” Eridan muttered, casting his eyes away. “Captor and I...aren’t on the best of terms, to be perfectly honest.” He wanted to tell her he hated him, to stay the hell away from that miserable annoying sod, that he wasn’t worth his time. Her time. Her._ _

__Dammit._ _

__Feferi gives Eridan a quizzical look, as if trying to work out a particularly fascinating puzzle. But just as it seems she is going to say something insightful... She shrugs it off and smiles again. “I guess I can imagine the two of you butting heads. A shame, I guess I can’t have both my favorite Buoy’s interacting in a more friendly setting.”_ _

__Eridan either dodged a bullet there, or she’s just being cagey._ _

__“Well, I mean we can tolerate each other’s presence--thank you Equius, this salad looks excellent--but it’s still somewhat difficult.” Eridan fiddled with his fork. “He’s...a peculiar fellow? No, it’s not the right word...no matter. I suppose I could try to stand his presence more for you.”_ _

__“You’re a sweetheart,” And with that the conversation turns back to the impromptu dinner. Safe to say that tonight is... interesting. She seems to be thinking something she’s not saying, however._ _

__\-----_ _

__Up in the block of student flats, a tennis ball is being thrown repeatedly at the wall, bounced off, caught, and thrown again by one surely Sollux Captor._ _

__Karkat had called to ask if he was okay. He with his wonderful cafeteria duties had been roped into helping out with the meal by Gamzee, but the fact that Captor was busy pouting off in the dorm did concern him a bit. Sollux had pretty much simply said he wanted to hear none of it and hung up the phone.  
Oh tennis ball. You are the only one who truly understands._ _

__Clunk-put, clunk-put, clunk-put._ _

__...Fuck it, he has got to get out of this apartment. There’s too much... _Eridan_ in here. It’s stifling. Suffocating._ _

__In a sudden manic fit Sollux jumps up and promptly trips over his own feet. Twisting in mid-air to avoid bashing his head against the coffee table, he near drops his precious, precious tennis ball and lands awkwardly on his side. Ow._ _

__Okay, new plan. Get up, _slowly,_ and THEN throw himself into the task of having a mental breakdown. He gets up, dusts himself off, grabs his bag and is out the door just like that._ _

__He has a feeling it’s going to be a LONG night._ _

__\-----_ _

__After the “Grand Clown Band” started striking up the notes of “Don’t You Want Me” over their spaghetti bolognese, Eridan decided he did _not_ want to endure this evening through to the coffee and tiramisu._ _

__“Fef, it’s been a lovely, lovely evening,” he said, putting his hand on hers, “but I’m afraid I must cut it short.”_ _

__“That’s ok!” Feferi bubbled, “I’m sure we both have a bunch of homework to do, huh?”_ _

__“Yeah, probably.”_ _

__“Think you could manage to walk me back to my room though?” Her smile was so utterly endearing._ _

__And so the two found themselves walking out into the cold night air, arm in arm, in the blissful quiet of the campus._ _

__It wasn’t long before they arrived at Feferi’s building. Feferi squeezed his arm as she rooted in her purse for her keys. Fishing them out, she grinned at Eridan._ _

__“So.”_ _

__“So.”  
Silence. Feferi opened her mouth as if to say something, but then shut it with a nervous giggle._ _

__“It was a fun night! Thanks for taking a girl out on Valentine’s day.”_ _

__“Wwell, of course. Couldn’t have you just hanging out alone, huh?”_ _

__“I’m shore glad I didn’t have to do that!” She pushed the door open, then looked back at Eridan, nibbling her lip._ _

__“Um, Eridan?”_ _

__“Y-yeah?”_ _

__“You’re a good friend.”_ _

___Friend. Friend. Friend._ _ _

__The word echoed in Eridan’s mind as the door shut behind her. God dammit. Friend? For goodness sake, Fef, couldn’t say something else? It wasn’t like he was expecting her to invite him up...not really at least...but still. Friendzoned on Valentine’s. For fuck’s sake._ _

__Eridan grumbled, shuffling off across and off campus, staring at the stars. He wasn’t quite sure where he was heading, what he was going to do when he got there, anything. He just needed space more than he had needed in a long, long time._ _

__He came to the river after about twenty minutes of wandering. Sighing, he stared into the water. He wished he could say it was quiet, but not too far away there was a group of about 6-7 men making a god-awful racket. There were also more than a few yelps of pain... perhaps it would be best to go somewhere else instead of risking getting involved?_ _

__Suddenly there’s a loud splash and a chorus of laughter, before the group start to move off into the night._ _

__That splash was a little loud to be just a rock, or even someones bag..._ _

__Relatively sure that the men weren’t coming back, Eridan walked over to the splash. It was probably not in his best judgement, but hey. Who could resist the excitement of seeing what nefarious deeds were done in the night? Surely it wouldn’t be a dead body..._ _

__Holy shit it was a dead body._ _

__Alarmed, Eridan pulled off his shirt, then plunged down into the water to pull out the slowly-sinking corpse. It wasn’t the first time he had handled dead _things_ but touching clammy human flesh was a bit different than handling a dead stag._ _

__Well, he wasn’t all too clammy, the skinny thing he pulled out. Heck, he seemed warm. Possibly still breathing? Good, excellent. He wasn’t going to be an accessory to murder to add to everything else._ _

__He flipped the boy over to try to slap some life into his face and recoiled._ _

__“Sollux?” He smacked the other man’s cheek. “Sollux, answer me, the fuck happened?”_ _

__His eyes snap open and he sits up, twisting to the side and choking up more than a little water. “F-Fuck, what?” his head spins and it takes him a moment to focus on Eridan, when he does it’s with a start and a blink. “...ED? The fuck are you doing here?”_ _

__“Sollux, you piece of shit, just answer the question,” Eridan fumed._ _

__“I was walking and apparently I looked at one of them funny. I don’t know, why doeth an athhole excrete thhit? Because it’s a fucking athhole. Tho they beat me up.” He groans and a hand comes to the side of his face. There is a large bruise that’s starting to form across the bridge of his nose... which looks kind of crooked. Well shit._ _

__“Fuckin’ hell, wwhy wwere you...agh. Never mind.” Eridan pulled Sollux up, ready to catch him if his legs were broken. “Emergency room. Now.”_ _

__Sollux isn’t really in any position to argue, so he just leans against Eridan for support as he hobbles along next to him. Neither of his legs are crooked, but putting weight on his right ankle causes pain to shoot up his leg. Not to mention that his jeans are soaked through and thus restricting his movements somewhat._ _

__...FffffffFFFUUUUUCK is it ever cold. Of course it’s cold, it’s nighttime in february and he’s just taken an impromptu swim. It isn’t long before he’s shivering more than a little bit, lips turning blue. “...How... far ith it?”_ _

__That, unfortunately, had not been something Eridan had taken terribly into consideration. With a sigh and a shiver, he pulled out his phone._ _

__“Maybe callin’ an ambulance and just waitin’ for it would be a better idea,” Eridan said, pointing out a nearby bench. “Think you can make it there if you lean on me?”_ _

__“Yeah, no problem,” Is the reply, Sollux groning and starting in that direction with one arm slung over Eridan’s shoulder._ _

__He’s actually... really grateful for the help, despite everything. Not to mention how he would probably be drowning/dead right now if Eridan HADN’T come along._ _

__Not that Eridan was really acting in such a way that seemed like he realized Sollux’s gratefulness. He had managed to steady his voice as he was talking to the 911 operator, asking for an ambulance and possibly to meet someone to file a police report at the emergency room. As soon as he was off the call and Sollux was sitting, he silently went to retrieve his blissfully dry shirt and pulled it on. He started typing on his phone, ignoring the nearly-drowned man._ _

__There is a tense silence for a good few minutes, Sollux shivering and hunched over in a piss-poor attempt to retain SOME body heat. His stomach aches from where he had been punched repeatedly right before he’d been thrown in the river, and at some point a stream of blood starts to run out of his nose (Which he just sort of swipes at with the back of his hand, muttering about how if his nose is broken he is going to flip his shit right through the wall..._ _

__“...Tho how did your date go?”_ _

__“Date? What date. There was no date,” Eridan muttered bitterly, wrapping an arm around Sollux to try to stop his shivering at least a bit. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Let’s never speak of it again.”_ _

__“...That bad, hu?” his tone is... sympathetic. He sighs and actually leans into Eridan a bit, feeling guilty that he’s probably making Eridan’s shirt damp (And after Eridan had taken it off in order to avoid it getting damp in the first place... God damn it.)_ _

__“Never. Speak. Of. It. Again.” Eridan seemed visibly relieved at the distant sound of sirens. “Great, the coppers or the paramedics or someone is showing up. Couldn’t have happened sooner. Now we don’t have to tell the tale of fish-girl friend-zoning.”_ _

__Sollux pulls a face and nods. “Thpeak of what exactly?” is what he says, what he does is quietly wrap an arm around Eridan and give him a quick squeeze, before releasing him and quietly pretending that he hadn’t done that in the first place, thankyouverymuch._ _

__Eridan was more than happy to go along with pretending that it didn’t happen, though his flushed cheeks were not. The sirens grew louder, and his shivering grew worse in the cold._ _

__St. Valentine, you have the shittiest of shitty days._ _

__He stood as he heard the ambulance parking behind them. A paramedic hopped out of the cab, starting to check out Sollux’s injuries as his partner more lazily walked over, commenting that the police would be there shortly. Something about some greaser and some Asian girl causing problems diverted the copcar, or something equally stupid._ _

__“ED, I think I’m alright now if you want to head back to the dorm...” Sollux says as he’s looked over, wincing as the paramedic feels over his nose to see if he can detect a fracture. Which considering Sollux’s nose if off-center... yeah, it’s broken._ _

__It isn’t even that he doesn’t want Eridan there, as much as he’s just 99% sure the other won’t want to stick around._ _

__“I’d rather make sure that the kid I ruined a pair of trousers given to me by Mr. Gabbana himself doesn’t die during the night than go home right now,” Eridan said, before asking one of the paramedics if he could ride along in the back. He was assured that yes, he could come along with his boyfriend, and was interrupted by the appearance of the cops before he could say a word otherwise._ _

__“Have you taken any drugs in the last 48 hours? Either medical or recreational?” One of the Paramedics asks Sollux as the police question Eridan about what happened._ _

__“I’m thuppothe to be on Depakote but...”_ _

__“You’re off your meds?”_ _

__“...Again...”_ _

__“When was the last time you took them?”_ _

__“Just before Christmath... I haven’t really felt like I needed them...”_ _

__The Paramedic rolls his eyes and Sollux can tell that he disapproves. But the last few months have just been... really... not exactly nice but just unbelievably TOLERABLE as far as his mental state goes._ _

__He guesses todays events prove that he should never take that for granted, hu?_ _

__Questioning went on, and then the hospital, and then the inevitable journey home with far too many bandages on on half of the turbulent twosome. But eventually, in the wee hours of February 15th, the two of them finally found themselves back in their dorm._ _

__It seemed Gamzee and Equius had made it back home and were splayed in a horrifying state of disarray on their living room floor, so they had to carefully teeter around the sleeping pair to get to their room. As soon as the door was shut behind them, Eridan sighed and shrugged off his somewhat damp clothes._ _

__It was then he saw the chocolates on his pillow._ _

__He looked at the box curiously, turning it over, and examining a little card he saw stuck to the side. Love from Sollux, it said. He grimaced slightly, turning to comment on it to his roommate snidely, but the poor broken boy seemed to have already passed out on his bunk. He blinked, then opened the box and put a truffle in his mouth._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My heart was all doki doki for you Eri chan  
> Let us get married


End file.
